


i don't want to sleep.

by Sevi (KelSevi)



Category: Shin Megami Tensei II
Genre: (aleph's like the only actual character), (the others are just mentioned oops), Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 16:56:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9394559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelSevi/pseuds/Sevi
Summary: Aleph dreams. But he does not enjoy them.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is an older piece from roleplay, but one I really like, so I'm uploading it here as a standalone.

He wasn't sure when exactly they started.

He always had weird dreams. For six months, Okamoto would work him until he dropped like a brick, and then let him sleep for hours and hours so they could start anew on a new training regime in the Virtual Battler.

And the dreams he had then were harmless. Blank and unsettling, but harmless. He'd remember floating in a murky black void, or sometimes bright, dulled landscape, too inky white to see what was going on around him.

They were memories, he presumed back then, and he hoped that one day they would stop being so bright and blurry and come to him.

Maybe then he wouldn't feel so dull and empty.

But then, the crisis started. He became Champion, and everything began to fall apart. Hiroko came to him, the Center reclaimed him, his name changed from the unknown, amnesiac Hawk to the praised and beloved Messiah, Aleph.

And then the nightmares started, too.

They were simple, at first. Little changes to his dreams. The void would reach out and touch him, and then slowly envelop him. Suffocate him. Devour him, until there was nothing left, not even a strand of hair. (He always woke up gasping for breath. Like he had been choked, assaulted by some unknown force.)

Sometimes the inky whiteness of his memories would recede, and then pour into him until he could take no more. The heat and pain of remembering something so clearly lost to him, memories that didn't quite belong to him, that weren't quite HIS anymore... memories wiped clean, concrete and wire fencing blocking him from whatever that remained in his mind... (After these dreams, he always felt nauseous, and once he had to feebly crawl away from Beth and empty his already-empty stomach, with nothing but bile and acid burning his throat and dirtying his mouth.)

Of course, they were manageable when Beth was around. Beth, who would touch his shoulder, massage his back when he felt sick, heal his wounds as he became injured. Beth, who would take his hands in hers, whisper kind things to him, remind him that he was alive and here and nothing was going to suffocate him.

That was when she was still alive, of course.

Beth invaded his dreams, for a time. Her begging, pleading, angry that he didn't save her, terrified that she was going to die, content that she could have saved him...

Happy that she could see his face one last time...

Blood pouring on the ground in heaps, Daleth's disgusted face twisting into a vile scowl, memories of the spat he and Aleph shared...

His bloodied sword on the ground, Aleph's clean one in his hands.

He had the chance. He could have ended it right there. Eye for an eye.

But she wouldn't let him.

(Aleph still cries. He begs and pleads, "why!? Why not, Beth!?" but of course she could not answer.)

But he had to keep going. He had to continue. Mekata would tell him everything, if he would just rescue Hiroko. And he did, and he fought Zayin, and he sought the truth in the Underground, and he heard about Abaddon swallowing Valhalla--

(He regretted not talking to Okamoto more. He didn't have time, he never had time, but the thought of him being slowly digested in Abaddon's stomach the way Madam was... oh, God, he felt like puking again.)

He and Hiroko ventured into Makai. He and Hiroko rescued a young siren. He and Hiroko saw again and again, the Center's evils. Lies, brainwashing, violent action.

He had a reprieve from his nightmares only when he saw Zayin's face on the big screen. Strange as it was to say, he always felt himself lulled into a soft, deep sleep. The words of a man so empowered, so passionate about true justice, about protecting the people from their oppressors, about freeing them from their shackles... For once, Aleph didn't feel so alone. He had an ally on his side, a real friend, a...

(He would never admit it to Zayin's face, but his heart pounded in his ears when Zayin touched and held his hand. It was only for so long, but it filled him with vigor and life.)

Louis was there too, the whole time. Louis, watching from every bar he visited, exchanging friendly words with him, offering to buy him drinks, gossiping about the news he had missed while venturing further out from Millennium.

They hit it off instantly. Their personalities meshed like PB and J; like chocolate and caramel; like cookies and cream. Their banter was something to behold, something to enjoy. And sometimes, late into the night, way after Aleph had stumbled out of the bar with his arm slung over Hiroko, he was still awake and thinking about the times their hands brushed together, the little clinks of their drinks for a toast, the way their eyes locked, deeply and passionately and intimately...

(Aleph didn't mind it when he saw Louis in Makai. There was something up with him, like he wasn't human, but most people who visited the bars or discos in Millennium weren't human. It didn't phase him, even as Louis teased him about coming in through the back entrance.)

His nightmares subsided.

...

And then, they came back full force. Harder than he had ever imagined.

The Kuzuryu prompted him to intervene with Louis's plans. He learned of Louis's true identity - Lucifer. Lucifer, who warned him of the coming of Satan, because of Set's awakening. Set, who flew to the top of Center, where waiting in the Garden of Eden itself was Zayin...

All in one fell swoop, the two men he trusted most became his sworn enemies. The men he could not agree with, for they wanted extermination of some sort. Lucifer, who would destroy Millennium seeking to stop Satan; Satan, who would destroy the rest of the planet under orders by God himself.

And Aleph, afraid and hurt yet determined, would oppose them both in his attempt to sabotage the one behind everything. In his attempt to protect humanity, he would take on YHVH Himself, come what may. Nothing - not Lucifer, not Satan, not His avatars, not even Him Himself, could sway or persuade him.

Not even when his soul was cursed.

... ... ...

... ...

... Aleph doesn't like to sleep anymore.

The dreams he has are unfathomable. A mix - a violent blur of memories, regrets and broken promises, pooling together in one giant, fluid, ever-changing mess of dreams.

Recalling them hurt. He could barely remember most of them, but he knew they hurt.

{Once, Zayin's face melted in front of him. Once, Louis's broken, bleeding body laid before him, and his sword, it was not clean. Once, Beth clawed at her own body, disgusted with the man Aleph had become, disgusted with herself for not protecting him from his curse.}

{{Once, Hiroko had taken her own life. Once, Hiroko had left him, knowing he had slain the last of her friends. Once, Hiroko disappeared, never to be seen again.}}

{{{No matter how hard he screamed in his dreams, he could not make but a peep. He was always and never in full control of his dreams. He was the harbinger of death, a folly of his own design. No matter where he went, the corpses of his beloveds trailed behind him.}}}

{{{{And it was all his fault.}}}}

\--

Aleph curled up, drawing his legs inward as he laid his chin against his knees. His arms wrapped around his head, which felt heavy and full. Something inside of him was pushing against the walls of his skull, and he felt like his head was about to burst. His heart was moving between phases of thumping hard in his chest, and sinking down into his stomach, which flopped and threatened to send its contents weakly up his throat.

Sweat dampened his forehead, his cheeks, his arms. His skin felt hot and cold at the same time, with thick waves of regret and fear and repulsion washing over his body like the ocean rolls over the shore. It was like sitting in a freezer and an incinerator at the same time.

Tears stung his eyes. He shut them, feebly.

He didn't want to sleep. Not anymore.


End file.
